- Narcissistic abuse happens when someone with NPD tries to manipulate you.
- An abuser with NPD may try to control you by isolating your from friends and family.
- Narcissistic abusers may also gaslight you, make you feel worthless, and bring others into the abuse.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional or psychological abuse perpetuated by someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
NPD is estimated to affect up to 5% of the US population and is charactarized by:
- An overinflated sense of self-importance
- Need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- A lack of empathy and consideration for other people's feelings and needs
Abusers with NPD may try to manipulate and control the people around them, says Jeff Temple, PhD, director of the Center for Violence Prevention at the University of Texas Medical Branch (UTMB). This can be especially difficult if someone with NPD is a roommate, significant other, parent, or coworker.
Narcissistic abuse isn't always obvious and can be difficult to identify, especially since narcissists often come across at first as charming, kind, and supportive, says Paul Poulakos, DO, a board-certified psychiatrist with a private practice. But there are signs that indicate you may be experiencing narcissistic abuse and ways to get help.
Here are six signs of narcissistic abuse and the lasting effects this kind of emotional and psychological manipulation can have.
1. You feel worthless or useless
Abusers with NPD may try to damage the self-esteem of their romantic partners or other loved ones in an attempt to make those people rely solely on them for any notion of self-worth and validation, Temple says.
One way an abuser with NPD may try to break down your self-esteem is by constantly comparing you to others and how you don't measure up.
"This will often lead a victim to have low self-esteem in multiple areas of their life, like their job, parenting, or other relationships," Temple says.
2. You no longer recognize yourself
"After a period of time of being subjected to narcissistic manipulation, the victim finds themselves altering their identity to fit the wants of their partner whom they so badly wish to stay with," Poulakos says.
This constant accommodation to someone else's wants can make it difficult for the victim to recognize themselves and they may no longer feel like themselves.
Some signs of this are:
- You change yourself to fit the ideal that you think the abuser wants
- You stop doing things you like because you don't want the abuser to get mad
- You have trouble identifying your values, wants, and needs separate from your abuser
3. You question your reality
Gaslighting often goes hand-in-hand with narcissistic abuse, Temple says. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can cause you to question your own feelings and experiences and make you doubt that you are in an abusive relationship.
For example, if you try to bring up behaviors that you don't like, an abuser with NPD may try to gaslight you by making statements like "it is all in your head" or "you are way too sensitive," Poulakos says.
"The purpose is to make you feel irrational and thus easier to control," Temple says.
4. You are isolated from friends and family
A psychologically abusive partner or friend may try to prevent you from accessing your normal support groups, Temple says.
This is another tactic that can make someone more reliant on their abuser. Eventually, someone experiencing narcissistic abuse may stop reaching out to their friends and family out of fear of retaliation from their abuser.
5. Other people are brought into the abuse
In an attempt to maintain their image, an abuser with NPD may try to spread hurtful rumors or negative comments about you to others, Poulaoks says.
They may also try to pull other people into conflicts between the two of you in an effort to get someone else "on their side" and reinforce their position.
6. You experience physical changes in your body
The anxiety and stress from narcissistic abuse can cause many reactions in your body, Poulakos says, including:
- Changes in appetite
- Nausea
- Difficulty sleeping
- Fatigue
- Muscle aches and pains
- Headaches
Those who have experienced narcissistic abuse may also develop symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), like extreme irritability and feeling constantly on guard.
Long-term effects of narcissistic abuse
Forms of emotional and psychological abuse, like what you may experience with a narcissistic partner, friend, or parent, can be just as damaging as physical violence, Temple says.
Long-term effects of emotional and psychological abuse can include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Chronic pain
- Feelings of powerlessness
- Feelings of shame and guilt
Additionally, if you have experienced narcissistic abuse in the past, you may carry feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and mistrust into new relationships, Poulakos says.
"Many victims spend years believing they are worthless, or like they were walking on eggshells. Getting beyond this takes rebuilding and challenging those negative learned thoughts," Temple says. "Trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy can help a victim move beyond these negative thoughts and feelings."
What to do if you are the victim of narcissistic abuse
Narcissistic abuse can have debilitating and lasting effects on your mental and physical health, but there are ways to find support and heal. Here are some ways to take care of yourself after experiencing this kind of abuse:
1. Exit the relationship. Let trusted friends or family know your intentions to break away from your abuser. Develop a plan that includes a safe place to stay if you need it and stop all contact with the abuser with NPD.
2. Find community. It may help to connect with others who have also experienced narcissistic abuse and know what you are going through. You can utilize online support groups or reach out to the Support for People Affected by Narcissistic Abuse in Toxic Relationships (SPAN) network at narcissisticabuserecovery.online.
3. Explore therapy. Talking about your experience with a trusted mental health professional can help you rebuild your self-esteem, develop tools for coping with stress, and find yourself again. Trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy with a licensed counselor can help you examine and reshape negative thought patterns you may have developed as a result of narcissistic abuse, Temple says.
Insider's takeaway
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional or psychological abuse perpetuated by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Those who have experienced narcissistic abuse may have low self-esteem, have trouble recognizing themselves, question their realities, and experience physical responses to stress, like difficulty sleeping, headaches, and fatigue.
If you are experiencing emotional or psychological abuse from an intimate partner, Temple suggests developing a safety plan that includes identifying safe friends, family, and places to go should the abuse escalate.
You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 866-331-9474.
And if you believe a loved one is in an abusive relationship, you can support them by letting them know you are there for them when they are ready to exit the relationship, Temple says.